Lilly girl,
my hope and prayer for your next year is that you will spend your 11th birthday with your forever family treating you like the princess you are. Hope you had a wonderful day being pampered with your amazing foster mamas. 

Blessings Lilly and many happy returns. ♡

Dear Gwyneth,
The meaning of your name is "happiness". You have been given this name because the first time I saw you the fear and sadness that filled your eyes took my breath away. I thought you had given up all hope. While in the two weeks I have known you I have yet to see you smile but I can see that hope was not lost, just buried. I pray that in time with lots of love you will come to be more then just happy. I pray that you will come to possess a joy that comes from having a hope that is anchored in an unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. A faith that does not waver from things that the world throws at you. Cannot wait for you to get better and come home. 
Know that you are loved sweet one.

 Yesu ne prema.

Dear Ruby girl,
Your Indian name means "unknown" or "question". Sweet one know that there has never been any question about whose you are. As an 8 month old daughter of The King He has called and used you for a divine purpose. Your life has been a story chronicling His miraculous power and healing. Your time at SCH has been a witness to His glory to those far and wide. God has used you in His plan to bring joy to so many, little one. I praise Him for your forever family who, I know in my heart, has already fallen in love with you. We gave you an English blog name that told the world that even on the days when you might have felt you were forgotten you were a precious jewel to your Daddy. Never forget that. 
May your life and your story continue to bring Him praise, papa. 

Nennu Ninnu Premistananu

Anchored in Hope

Gwyneth ami,
You are beautiful. Has anyone told you that today? You have always carried a wisdom beyond your years in your eyes, that comes from scars both visible and invisible. But now I see something that I have prayed for since the first night I met you. Hope. Beauty and Hope are things that radiate from children redeemed for God's glory, as you have been papa. May you continue to seek and find the "joy that comes in the morning" and may you be a living testament of this verse, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us." (2 Corinthians 4:7)                                                 Know you are loved sweet beautiful girl.
(September 22, 2014)

To the littlest little

Dearest Anu,
Today (roughly) would have marked your first birthday. Oh, what a celebration that would have been! Instead you are spending it with your Heavenly Daddy having a party every second of every day that I cannot begin to comprehend. Even still, I miss you chinna papa.
I miss cuddling you, in the way only three pound babies can be cuddled. I miss your silly little girl faces and your tiny ears. I will always treasure, in my heart, our last morning together. He truly showers us with blessings, no? I will always be thankful for the huge blessing being your mama was in my life little one. Cannot wait to have a dance party with you in heaven! 

Nenu ninu premistunanu forever and always. 

To the boy who stole my heart

Karthik babu, 
You are so very very loved. Being able to be your foster mama will always be one of my greatest joys and treasures. I miss you so much but I just hear you utter one of your gaspy, throaty laughs and say with your 2 year old attitude, "But mama Heaven is much better. I have a Daddy here." 

Love you forever and always sweet boy. Nenu Nienu premistunannu aby.

A hug, a kiss, a wave, the end.

Cheena Do,
      Remember when you were sitting on my lap and I said it was time for me to go? You hopped off my lap, gave me a backhanded wave and walked away. I used to think this was you being an independent three year old boy. That is until a couple of days ago. I had to say a very hard and frustrating goodbye to someone I had come to count on. I was feeling sorry for myself when I thought of all the goodbyes I have had to say since coming to India. This is a transient place. Caregivers come and go, sometimes without notice. Volunteers stay long enough to form attachments and then they leave. It was then that I realized your whole life has been defined by goodbyes.
     You were too young to remember your parents when they said goodbye. I am not really sure you even know what parents are. The number of ahyas and nurses you have had caring for you in your short life is probably more then we could count. Maybe there have been a hundred of foreign volunteers that have come bearing sweets and treats who stay for a few days or maybe a year before waving goodbye forever.
     That is why you say goodbye the way you do. So flippantly. You, at the age of 3, have decided that goodbyes are always permant. Every time you say goodbye to someone you are certain you are never going to see them again. I think that it is also why when someone comes it takes you so long to come over and say hello because you know you have to say goodbye. Some of your brothers and sisters have accepted this fact and decided that any attention is better then none. So when people arrive they immediately swarm them, clambering for hugs and kisses. They scream goodbyes clinging and crying when the person leaves. Others have formed close attachments with their ayahs.  But a few, like you, are different. In your heart of hearts you know that this life you have is not what it should be. Something is missing. No little boy should ever have to wonder if people he cares about are going to come back.
     This realization, somewhat to my surprise, deeply hurts me. It makes me pray all the more fervently for you and your siblings that God would lead wonderful Christian "forever families" to our door to take you home. Home to a place where you will run and greet people when they walk in the door, a place where you never have to say goodbye again. Until then I praise God you have a home here with us and that you have a wonderful home nurse, whom you call "ma", that loves her boys well.
      I pray that no matter how many goodbyes you have to say you will grow up to know you are a son and an heir to a Father who has been by your side since the day you were born. I also pray that despite the brokenness you have experienced you learn to love well. There are no orphans of God, sweet one.
Nenu Ninnu premistunnanu

P.S. This week it is I who will have to say goodbye to you as you and your ana go to the big city to visit the doctor. When you come back to us  healthier then when you left, I want the giant running hug I got today. Ok?

(September 7, 2013)

...no matter how small

Dear Ella,

        As I write this you are laying fast asleep on my chest covered in a mound of blankets. As a listen to the little sounds you make in whatever dreams you are having, I cannot help but think about all the other Ellas the world never got to meet.

      You see you were born with something called Trisomy 18 (Edward's Syndrome). A chromosomal abnormality that causes a verity of severe organ abnormalities including the heart and brain. It also causes, among other things, you to be very tiny. You truly do not belong out in this world. It is too big and too cold.

      In The West, Trisomy 18 is a disease that doctors and parents can test for before birth. Doctors label it as "a problem" that can "be handled". They sight the list of facts that prove "the fetus is not compatible with life." Only 5-10% of children born with Trisomy 18 live past their first month of life and only 1% live to adulthood. A two months old Ella, it is true you are a miracle baby girl.

      I wonder how many other babies were labelled with this horrible disability were never given the chance to prove that they too were miracles from the moment they were conceived. I wonder how many mama's, by choice, missed the chance to marvel at their babies tinee tiny hands, feet, or my personal favourite, your ity bity ears. I wonder how many soft downy heads never were stroked as the babies fell asleep. I wonder how many parents lost out on the funny bewilderment at how stubborn a 2 pound 2 month old can be.

     I wonder how many of the hundreds of people who liked your Facebook photos Ella, would have rooted for you before you were born. Would they have celebrated life if you had been their girl?

      I admit the thought of caring for you has me a bit daunted. When Sarah akka first told me we had a baby coming with Trisomy 18 my first response was "Dear God, no". I knew what T-18 was and the odds babies with it have of survival. And every time I hold you I swear I am going drop you or injure you in some way. But, baby girl, as I look into your big brown alert eyes I cannot help but fall in love with you.  Ella, if you are willing to fight for everyday of your life, I promise I will be your fairy godmother and wave any magic wand I have to help you make it to the ball.

      Ella, you were created and chosen with a unique purpose to serve The Master. And since I have met you I now know the reason you were brought into my personal life. I have always believed in the sanctity of life and have always checked the box marked "pro-life". But I avoid confrontation like the pelage and have been willing to stay quiet so as not to "rock the boat" As I feel you start to stir against my chest I vow, cheena papa, to fight louder and harder for the other miracle babies in the world. The ones who, like you (and your namesake Cinderella) have the odds stacked against them with no one in their corner.

 

I am so thankful for the chance to meet you, you 2 pound world changer. May you always know the truth of your Hindi name "beloved". For that is what you are.

    

Yesu ne prema and so do I.

(From March 8,2014)